~emmy2120

Summer is over. What did I do? Nothing. What did I accomplish? Nothing. Who did I meet? No one.

I guess I got what I wanted. None of my friends talk to me anymore. I always said I wanted more time to myself. I guess I got what I wanted.

Part of me feels like crap. Part of me is relieved. Part of me doesn't care. Part of me doesn't understand what I'm feeling.

I don't know what I want. I have no ambition left. I have no desires. I don't feel like I'm alive. That sounds so fucking emo and cliche, but when you get down to the wire, I really feel like I'm in a parallel universe just watching myself do nothing from day to day.

Who knows where I'll be six months from now. I might be happy and doing well, or I might be dead. I really don't know, and I honestly don't give a fuck.

My mind is fucked. I do and say things to intentionally hurt people. I feel no remorse, no regret. I just don't care what other people feel. I guess I'm trying to drag other people into a miserable state with me for some sick reason. I find myself making reasons why people deserve misfortunes and sadness in their lives. It's like this self-created karma system I've imagined. I make promises I know I won't keep. I say I'll do things and intentionally not do them so someone gets mad. I don't fucking care.

I act like I'm great. I tell myself I have all these good qualities and ideals, but in the end, I'm just fucking like everyone else. I bring no creativity or change. I just fucking sit here and soak up resources, then bitch and moan because I don't have what I want in life when I'm too fucking lazy to take the initiative to change anything.

I don't sleep at night. I nap. I zone out. I look like a fucking zombie. My confidence and self-esteem have disappeared.

I disgust myself to extreme levels.

I have too much inside me that I've kept hidden. I've had too many fucking things happen to me. People sometimes think I'm strange or a prude. You have no fucking idea. Fuck you for thinking you do.